did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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