dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
