His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
