Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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