I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
