Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
