Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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