now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
