I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
