The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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