So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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