why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Tornado booty call.. dedication
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
