im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
