i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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