A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize