gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I supernannyed him into submission
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
