I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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