puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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