I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We just shotgunned beers for America
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
