i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
