i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
