i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
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