guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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