I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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