none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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