I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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