you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
