i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
