dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
