Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
