Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
