I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i drank out of a bidet.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
