she woke up with a sticky ear
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
