What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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