I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Found the puke drawer
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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