what day is it and did you see me today?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
