I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
