That's when you crack a 10am beer
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
