His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
