I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
