totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
