The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
