The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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