hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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