Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
