Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
