you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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