my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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