Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
