she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
