1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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