I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
