I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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