i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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