At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Randomize
