atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
