So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
