I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
