I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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