im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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