meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
